inspiration23

Yesterday I called my mom. I feel guilty when I don’t, but it does’t lesson this feeling when I do call her. She keeps asking me when I am going to take her home. Finally I told her that the Doctor’s signature is on the papers, and he has to sign off on them also. She does not accept this. When are you coming? she keeps asking me. This time, to settle her down, I fibbed a little bit. I told her that I had to warm up, but I would come after a while. “When? How long will it take you?” My reply was that it will take an hour and a half. “That long?” “Yes,” I reply then explain that it takes an hour to drive there and I have to fuel the Blazer up. “How long will it take you to get here?” she asks again and I repeat that it will take an hour and a half. This entire conversation keeps repeating at least five times consectuvely. And then off and on through out the rest of our conversation. Then it goes into the, you aren’t doing anything to get me out, you don’t care . . Also she tells me that she may not be here when I do come, because she will commit suicide or take a gun and shoot herself.

I’ve given up telling her not to do that. Now I just tell her that she knows what she wants, and that we love her and will miss her. This makes no difference at all and my words are forgotten as quickly as they are said. Even my kids can’t help with this as she tells them the same thing. I wonder how they will remember her. As the lady who once was nice then changed into someone they don’t know or want to be around, Or will they only remember a lady who wants to commit suicide. What a sad thought in either direction.

After we hung up, I called the main lady who runs the nursing home and told her that if my mom haoppens to remember that I said I was coming, tell her something came up. I hate lying, but I have found that the truth doesn’t work either. Every time I call her, she just gets more upset and that is no good.

So last night, I went to bed rather angry. Too angry to cry, I just yelled. This call affects my mood. Even though I know it does, there is no getting around it. The day started out happy and most of the day continued on that way, until nighttime. I did horrible in the MT training, and felt stupid and dumb. Of course Mom confirms this by saying I am a horrible daughter who isn’t trying to get her home.

I try to change the subject, but even that doesn’t work. She just brings it back to the, you don’t care, and I’m going to commit suicide.

Today was better. Even though I couldn’t get on the MT sight, I did sign up and apply to write some articles or stories. Wish me good luck on this, as I need something to help pay the bills. Still thinking of jewelry, but have no idea of what to do now that the seed bead earrings don’t sell. I look through the Fire Mountain Gems book and dream. All right, that is not productive, but I am coming up with an idea of a design. That at least is a start, is it not.

I will strive to make each day count and do better with my life. To help others, if I can, which reminds me. I have to send a card out to another grieving family who lost a child. Kaylen’s Write to Heal is a place set up by Katrina Wampler. It is a nice thing to do and I hope it helps those families who have lost a child. The website set up to help these families, whether by sending a card, note or a small donation is: http://www.kaylenswritetoheal.com